Every Night 

If you see white feathers in your path, it means the angels are looking after you. Shut up, you need to learn to breathe. . . Don’t be stupid. . . I haven’t written my list yet today, no wonder I’ve got a headache; just let me grab a post it note. . . Sometimes I see men lurking in the bark of trees. . . You know? Chill out, you’re doing it again. . . No you’re not fat, now be quiet, you’re giving me earache. . . Yes, but if I just change the bedding – it’ll only take two minutes. . . I shouldn’t have touched that, I wish I hadn’t. . . My stomach. . . is five sizes smaller than mine so really you need to just get a grip. . . I didn’t mean it like that did I? But she’ll think I did. I didn’t though. . . What if? Have you ever tried putting your feet on the ground? Touching a plant or smelling some coffee? They think I’m a total bitch, I bet they think I’m a total bitch. . . I care about other people you know. . . What if? Smell some coffee. I’m gonna go for a run. . . It’s late at night, I don’t think you should. . . Yes but if I don’t then – Challenge it, challenge it, be in control. I am in control, haven’t you seen my diary? – I’m the most organised person I know for god’s sake. You know that sick feeling you get when nothing is certain and that lump in your chest like a bubble of air? No. . . Well if I can just buy a new pair of curtains, well I’ll be right on top of things then won’t I? Challenge it. Shower. Coffee. Brush your hair. I can’t be a perfectionist; I’m nowhere near perfect. . . Every night I dream that I can’t drive but I’m trying; every night. I sit behind the wheel and I steer but I just can’t work out how to get the car where I need it. Where are you? Every night I read Mrs Dalloway and I dream. Every night.

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